I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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