I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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