Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
