Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
