Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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