Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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