I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
