you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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