Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
