Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I need a beard to bite.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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