If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's the barista slut.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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