and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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