im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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