my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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