I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
