i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
