Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
