WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
