Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
