Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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