so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
