someone threw a dead crab at me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
