I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
