Im at strip club and am horny
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
