brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
