YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
