If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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