genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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