I wish I could teleport
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
