peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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