I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
