Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
