You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
