you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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