Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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