All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
