He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
