I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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