This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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