I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just threw up on my dentist
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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