Your face is a jimmy john
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
