That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
