I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
