I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
