Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
