I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
