Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
