I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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