im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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