What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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