Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
