clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
